Back in the day, son, your old man used to take beautiful women to these places called shopping malls. These were where people would go to escape the emptiness of postmodern life and attempt to find joy in consumerism. At a mall, you could eat a soft pretzel and purchase (or steal) non-essential goods. And if you really had balls, you could even take some scandalous photos there. Wynona Gibbs’ favorite band is TLC.